When in prayer, doubt. When in doubt, blog?

March 27, 2011

Well, it’s happened again.  I have reached the point in another congregatation in which I feel I am doing more spiritual harm than good when I attend Sunday services.

I believe strong in the Unitarian-Universalist principles and in my chosen faith’s history and spiritual leaders.  They have guided me through difficult and dark times throughout my 30+ year life like the light of the chalice we use as the symbol of this denomination. I know that this is the only religion that fits me: It promotes the inherent worth of every individual, and recognizes how difficult a goal that is.  It encourages stewardship of the earth and spiritual growth for the individual.  It insists that answers to the universes great questions are never easy and most likely constantly evolving.  I have had wonderful, transcendent experiences both outside and inside a building called a church.

Yet, I am starting to lose faith in the institutions that are intended to keep this faith strong.  I wonder if it is possible for an organization of human beings to not hinder or completely squelch those principles I hold dear. I’m beginning to wonder if I have the inherent strength to take the bad with the good in my congregation and in the UUA.

When I first voiced these feelings to my husband a few months ago, I could see that he was deeply worried about my spiritual distress.  “If you stop going to church,” he asked “what will you do?”

I knew what he meant, of course.  What will I do with the rumbling questions about the world that churn in my gut? How will I process the joy and sorrows if I don’t have those quiet moments before singing “Spirit of Life” in a room filled with the colored light of sun through stained glass? Where will the stimulus come from for all the discoveries I still need to make about myself and the universe?

“I could always start a blog,” was my flippant reply. Like so many times in my life, the truth was hidden under deep sarcasm, but somehow what came to the tip of my tongue before I could mentally edit was exactly what needed to be said.  Maybe blogging could be my new spiritual practice.

So, we’ll give it a shot.  At least once a week, I will write about my relationship with Unitarian-Universalism and all that encompasses, including my direct experiences, prophetic men and women, the beauty of nature, sacred and profane literature, and who knows what else.  Maybe I’ll find some answers, maybe I’ll just connect with others who share some of my questions.

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